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POLL RESULTS: Family outing: (13 comments)

POLL: Family outing

Friday, May 10, 2013 - 12:00 AM


A reader writes...
I recently walked in on my sister making out wih another girl. She asked me not to tell our mother or her boyfriend of several years as she isn't ready to come out of the closet yet. Should I make her come out of the closet and be honest with herself -- or keep quiet?
POLL: Should she "out" her sister?
 
3% (73) Yes. It's time for her sister to be honest with herself.
 
33% (657) No. Your sister will come out when *she* is ready.
 
62% (1222) Speaking of being honest with yourself... you might ask yourself why you feel the pressing need to do this to your sister.
1952 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
Amanda
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Posts: 30

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Oct 2008
Re: POLL: Family outing (Score: 0)
posted Friday, May 10, 2013 - 12:37 AM (#62985)

Coming out is an incredibly personal thing and it can come with some horrible consequences. It should be up to her whether or not it's worth it. Even if she never wants to come out, don't do it for her. Respect her right to be herself however she so chooses. You can encourage her and be a out and proud ally without forcing her to come out though. Of course, making out with a girl doesn't necessarily make her a lesbian. She might be bi or she might have just wanted to try it out. Doesn't necessarily mean there's any closet to hop out of. Talk to her without pressure or threats and you might find out she is being honest with herself.


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tweell
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Posts: 8

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Mar 2012
Re: POLL: Family outing (Score: 0)
posted Friday, May 10, 2013 - 12:44 AM (#62986)

I wouldn't worry about Mom, she probably has an idea already.

You might suggest to your sister that she isn't being fair to the boyfriend, though. Keeping a guy around as social camouflage (and a handy wallet) by leading him on is evil, IMO.


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abb3w
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Posts: 46

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Jan 2008
Re: POLL: Family outing (Score: 0)
posted Friday, May 10, 2013 - 01:15 AM (#62987)

It's possible she's just bi-leaning and experimenting. However, you might point out to her in private that it's not fair to the boyfriend for her to be seeing even another girl on the side, unless he's agreed to an "open" relationship.


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geoffb
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Posts: 1

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May 2013
Re: Self Examination (POLL: Family outing) (Score: 0)
posted Friday, May 10, 2013 - 01:31 AM (#62988)

What gives you ANY right to stick your nose in your sister's affairs?

I think your desire, or issues, with making her come out say a lot more about you than her.

You need to do some serious examination of your own mind.


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MalikTous
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From: RiVaUSA

Posts: 4

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Mar 2013
Re: POLL: Family outing (Score: 0)
posted Friday, May 10, 2013 - 09:08 AM (#62989)

As a brother, I'd just tell her 'congrats on keeping it consensual, please lock the bedroom door in the future!' I'm opposed to rape and pædophilia and am assuming everyone is over 18 in college (or the same age if 16 or 17), but have no trouble with consensual sex. I see no need to snitch as no-one is raping. She can handle 'coming out' on her own time, more power to her.


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eleclipse
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May 2013
Re: POLL: Family outing (Score: 0)
posted Friday, May 10, 2013 - 11:15 AM (#62990)

Well, the main problem here is that she's cheating of her boyfriend.

While a coming out is a very personal thing, cheating is just wrong (no matter the reasons).

My advice? Tell her to clear up things with her boyfriend at least (she can "just" broke up with him without coming out if she doesn't like him no more).

If she's not willing to, tell here you'll do it, and that's just fair unless you want to be an "accomplice" of the cheating.


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guillaumedep
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Mar 2012
Re: POLL: Family outing (Score: 0)
posted Friday, May 10, 2013 - 05:31 PM (#62991)
In Response to eleclipse (#62990):

I doubt the main problem is the cheating, though it might be a problem. You should tell her to talk with her boyfriend - openness and a willingness to communicate is most important in any relationship. However, you should in no way offer or threaten to have that talk yourself. This falls squarely under the category of "none of your business."

Encourage her to do the right thing (as you see it). Support her choices and who she is. Keep your nose out of where it doesn't belong.
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bobb123
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Feb 2012
Re: POLL: Family outing (Score: 0)
posted Friday, May 10, 2013 - 05:58 PM (#62992)
In Response to eleclipse (#62990):

I SO agree. If you don't tell mom that's fine, but if she doesn't fess up to her "boyfriend" then I'd say I would. But heck he might be gay and using her for camoflage..things have changed a bit since Iwas young) same things may have gone on, but they were handled a wee bit differently.


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DavidArgall
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Posts: 42

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Nov 2010
Re: POLL: Family outing (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, May 11, 2013 - 01:54 AM (#62993)

As others have suggested, she may just be bi. [In fact one theory has it that all women are bi to some degree or another.] And while lesbian behavior does not meet with great social approval, it is not nearly as objectionable as gay behavior [possibly because of a widespread assumption that woman, and what they do, is not as important as what men do.] In any case, women can behave very lesbian in public and be ignored.
As far as the boyfriend is concerned, there is the lesbian t-shirt "I fxxxed your girlfriend, and no, you can't watch." He would probably suggest a threesome, but overall, he is not likely to be too upset, at least if he gets some too.
So keeping the matter secret is likely fine because nobody is going to be that upset when it comes out. You might suggest she be open, by unless you know otherwise, you should assume the others are not too worried about the point.


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eleclipse
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Re: POLL: Family outing (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, May 11, 2013 - 06:00 AM (#62994)
In Response to guillaumedep (#62991):

Seeing someone doing something cleary wrong (as cheating is) and saying nothing is not keeping the nose out of other business, is omertĂ .

If you see someone doing something wrong to another, and do nothing, you are in fact helping him in that (of course in this case it would be best that she manage to persuade the sister to do "the right thing").

When you behaviour influence other people it cease to be "none of your business".

_______________________

@DavidArgall: Aside the fact that you are obviusly assuming a lot of thing that aren't necessarily true (and sound very stereotyped "all men like bi/lesbian and thresome"), isn't it strange that, if he's somehow into bi/lesbian and threesome, she didn't just tell him? why hide it?

Fact is that, no matter how many excuse you come up with, hurtful lie like that are just wrong. It may not be easy to tell the truth but nobody said life was easy, and usually the outcome is better when you face things, not when you run run from them.


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HilarusIncognitus
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Posts: 3

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Sep 2011
Re: POLL: Family outing (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, May 11, 2013 - 10:40 AM (#62995)

Well you are in an unfair situation there. You know now two things and are expected, without agreeing to it, not to tell anything about it.
And no one has the right to put you into this situation. Its your call what to make of it. If she wouldn't want to become it public, she should have kept it secret better.

Your sister can talk with her "affair" about her affair, and about being lesbian/bicurious or whatever it is (not making assumptions).

You are supposed to keep quiet, and mayb lie and will have to tread carefully to not accidently spill any of it. You have no one to really talk about that to, to keep it a secret (Maybe your sister, but no one else). To put you in this situation is very unfair, and can be a great strain on mental health too.

I'd explain that to your sister that she is very unfair to at least two persons (her boyfriend and you), and that you can possibly hold back for a while, but will not lie, but then you shouldn't just care anymore.
By that I mean: If you more or less want to keep her secret, you forget about being careful. If it doesn't come up, fine, but you won't tiptoe and think about what you say always three times before you say it. You just cannot be expected to do that. It could be really harmful to your health and your relationships - to your mother, your friends, and whoever is somehow involved.


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Andtalath
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May 2013
Re: POLL: Family outing (Score: 0)
posted Thursday, May 16, 2013 - 04:09 PM (#63003)

Discuss fidelity with her and show that you are open to talk about homo/bisexuality if you are.

Teenage sexuality is bloody hard enough without having to hide from family all the time (hiding from parents is hard enough, from siblings, terribly much more so).

Remember, your sister will always be in your life, it is very important to no create scars.


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TheMedi8or
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Posts: 5

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Jan 2013
Re: POLL: Family outing (Score: 0)
posted Tuesday, May 28, 2013 - 10:57 PM (#63014)

Well, personally I'm not sure when sticking one's nose in anothers relationship business became an okay norm. Especially since I'm betting someone "under cover" probably didn't get "walked in on" in a public area. However, it does seem to be the norm opinion. More importantly though, it isn't what you asked. You asked if you should forcibly out your sister. The answer is no. And if I have to explain to you why that's the answer, then you are a horrible person. And if you do forcibly out her, I hope she responds by doing everything possible to ruin your life in kind. Have a nice day.


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