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POLL RESULTS: Two girlfriends: (14 comments)

POLL: Two girlfriends

Friday, June 07, 2013 - 09:01 AM


A reader writes...

My ex girlfriend who I love very much recently came back to the states wishing to get back together, however I already had a new girlfriend. So she offered my current girlfriend a "sharing" relationship, and she agreed. So my question is this, should I be OK with having two girlfriends?
POLL: Should he be OK with this?
 
23% (480) Google "humblebrag." We'll wait here.
 
4% (84) Two sets of holiday presents? Two birthdays to remember? Two PMS schedules? Dude... are you nuts?!
 
44% (906) Seriously. You know this ends badly, right? Sooner or later, you're going to prefer one over the other, and then the sparks will fly.
 
8% (185) Man up and make a choice.
 
19% (403) Threesome!
2058 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
Bruceski
Lover

Posts: 6

Registered:
May 2011
Re: Two girlfriends (Score: 0)
posted Friday, June 07, 2013 - 09:20 AM (#63021)

I've known it to work, but it's not for everyone. It takes a lot of communication and tackling any small issues before they become big ones.

I'm one of the guys it doesn't work for, I get too focused on one relationship to manage two at once, but I've got friends who make it work (both ones with multiple girlfriends and multiple boyfriends, it's not gender-specific). Best advice I can give is to be aware of how things progress, and if it isn't working don't be afraid to aknowledge that. It isn't some Man Test.


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MalikTous
Lover

From: RiVaUSA

Posts: 4

Registered:
Mar 2013
Re: 'One and one and one is three' (Score: 0)
posted Friday, June 07, 2013 - 09:45 AM (#63022)

The important thing is consent. So long as all three of you consent to each other's presence in the relationship, no one suffers. That means maintaining communications and congeniality and tracking three sets of personal preferences instead of two. The balance is precarious, and you'll have to work on it.


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CaptainSmokeblower
Lover

Posts: 58

Registered:
Nov 2009
Re: Two girlfriends (Score: 0)
posted Friday, June 07, 2013 - 12:06 PM (#63023)

Your description is just too vague for good responses. What does two girlfriends involve in your case? One living space for the three of you, alternating sleeping places, or alternate bed partners on some schedule? Or is it just a social outing (date night) arrangement between the three of you.
If nothing else, remember the adage, "Two can live as cheaply as one"? Well, three can't date as cheaply as two, especially if you're the one paying.


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Coanunn
Lover

Posts: 11

Registered:
Feb 2010
Re: Two girlfriends (Score: 0)
posted Friday, June 07, 2013 - 02:27 PM (#63024)

Google "Polyamory". This is the type of relationship I have been in for almost a decade. It works for some people and for others it's a nighmare. You honestly can't know how you will react till you are in the moment.

If you decide to go forward with this I highly recommend www.fetlife.com. It's a free "facebook" style site for people living "alternative" lifestyles. There is a large poly community there who will be more than happy to offer advice.


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Garwulf
Lover

From: In my chair

Posts: 33

Registered:
Jun 2010
Re: Two girlfriends (Score: 0)
posted Friday, June 07, 2013 - 03:15 PM (#63025)

"...should I be OK with having two girlfriends?"

I don't know - ARE you okay with it?

This isn't a moral quandary - it's a lifestyle choice. You're either somebody it can work for, or somebody it won't work for. There's no shame in being in either of those categories.

So, you're either okay with it or you're not. I think you may be the only one who can answer this question for you.


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blackfeltfedora
Lover

Posts: 3

Registered:
Nov 2008
Re: Two girlfriends (Score: 0)
posted Friday, June 07, 2013 - 04:17 PM (#63026)

This will end with you having neither of these women as your girlfriend. Enjoy it while it last.


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Coanunn
Lover

Posts: 11

Registered:
Feb 2010
Re: Two girlfriends (Score: 0)
posted Friday, June 07, 2013 - 04:43 PM (#63027)
In Response to blackfeltfedora (#63026):

I disagree that it "will" end that way. It "could" end that way, but life comes to an end. There is no reason not to enjoy the experiences life presents us with, even if that means our reaction is to say no, you can enjoy making that choice.

I really think the answer is that he needs to broaden his point of view and realize there are a lot of people in poly relationships.


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DanialArin
Lover

Posts: 92

Registered:
Apr 2009
Re: Two girlfriends (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, June 08, 2013 - 12:13 PM (#63029)

Poly relationships in western cultures have a higher failure rate than monogamous ones. The rivalries, jealousies, competition and/or dominance games can get extremely unpleasant.

I think the real questions are, do you think you can keep them both satisfied with the level of attention they get from you (and each other), can the two of them get along with getting jealous of each other, and do you have what it takes to send them to their separate corners when their respective interests do come into conflict?


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DavidArgall
Lover

Posts: 42

Registered:
Nov 2010
Re: Two girlfriends (Score: 0)
posted Sunday, June 09, 2013 - 02:23 AM (#63030)

As others have said, this is difficult and dangerous. [As the Bible says, no man can serve two masters.] But if you can pull it off... Keep your eyes open and you will have to work on the situation, but just maybe you can end up the envy of just about every male you meet.


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Murgatroyd
Lover

Posts: 300

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: Two girlfriends (Score: 0)
posted Monday, June 10, 2013 - 12:48 AM (#63032)

There's a warning flag here: Why did your new girlfriend agree to share you? What's in it for her?

Several possibilities:
(1) She's into polyamory -- but if so, then why didn't you already know that?
(2) She's not committed to you, or she's not as much in love with you as you think she is. She might want to have sex with other guys.
(3) She has low self-esteem -- is her name Debbie Doormat? We can't tell from here; only you can know whether that's a plausible explanation.
(4) She's bi, and she is as interested in your old girlfriend as you are ... maybe more.
(5) She's testing you, and if you agree to it, she'll dump you.

This might work out okay, but the odds are that at best it won't be a stable relationship. You may end up losing both of them.


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TheMedi8or
Lover

Posts: 5

Registered:
Jan 2013
Re: Two girlfriends (Score: 0)
posted Monday, June 10, 2013 - 06:59 PM (#63033)
In Response to DanialArin (#63029):

I'd be fascinated to know where you get this very vague stat? 'Cause considering the horrific failure rate of monogamous relationships, and the almost-impossible-ness of figuring out exact break-up rates, I find it hard to believe.


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TheMedi8or
Lover

Posts: 5

Registered:
Jan 2013
Re: Two girlfriends (Score: 0)
posted Monday, June 10, 2013 - 07:00 PM (#63034)
In Response to Murgatroyd (#63032):

or (6) She's REALLY in love with you and willing to share rather than chance losing you to the ex - especially since you've already made your feelings for the ex clear. In which case, are you seriously going to make that kind of dedication suffer in order to have a woman who (apparently) already left you once?


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Murgatroyd
Lover

Posts: 300

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: Two girlfriends (Score: 0)
posted Tuesday, June 11, 2013 - 01:47 AM (#63035)
In Response to TheMedi8or (#63034):

Good point! If she's truly in love with him and doesn't want to risk losing him, she might be sufficiently broad-minded to try polyamory.

On the other hand, this might be interpreted as a case of (3), low self-esteem -- she thinks she'd lose if he had to choose between them, but she's willing to take whatever she can get. Which may not be very much.

(I knew a girl back in college whose boyfriend dumped her, moved to a different city, and got engaged to another girl ... but Debbie nevertheless stayed home on Friday nights "in case Ron might call.")

Alas, Mister Two Girlfriends didn't give us enough information to tell the difference. In fact, he may not know his current girlfriend's motivation. And it sure would be helpful for us to know why the ex left him in the first place.

As far as the ex is concerned, maybe she really loves him so much she's willing to share ... or maybe she's gambling that she can break up the relationship between the guy and his current girlfriend.

There are some scenarios with good outcomes, but there are plenty of scenarios that end very badly for at least one of the parties. I hope he tells us how this all turns out!


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UrbanPagan
Lover

Posts: 3

Registered:
Jan 2011
Re: Two girlfriends (Score: 0)
posted Tuesday, June 11, 2013 - 02:44 PM (#63037)
In Response to DanialArin (#63029):

I would love to see some citation on the claim that poly relationships have a higher failure rate than monogamous ones. Anyone who has tried to investigate the issue has discovered a total lack of solid information, and it's not tough to understand why. Just trying to figure out how to make a fair comparison is extremely problematic. It's not like you can easily find marriage and divorce rates for poly.

The only thing anyone can say about it is how poly relationships have seemed to their experience. While doing so, make sure to acknowledge that one's own perceptions are such an insignificantly small sample that it's useless for any kind of broad statement.

The fact is that there are many immature poly relationships out there with all the rivalries and jealousies that DanialArin mentioned. There are also many relationships like mine, that will be 20 years old this year, but wouldn't have made it 3 years if we had tried to stay monogamous.


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